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www.tvsubtitles.net

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[Singing] It seems today that all you see

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Is for kids in movies and shows on TV

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But where are those
good old-fashioned values

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On which we used to rely?

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Lucky there's a family guy

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Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

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All the things that make us

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Laugh and cry

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He's a family guy

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I must say
I do feel a strange satisfaction...

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watching the black ball topple
all those self-righteous white pins.

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Can't blame them for being self-righteous.

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The black ball's
in their neighborhood uninvited.

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The black ball's done nothing wrong.

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If the black ball's innocent,
it has nothing to fear.

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Wonder what the hell's down there.

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Judd Hirsch?

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Hey.

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What's going on?

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Nothing.

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All right.

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Hi, boys. Your ride is here.

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Hey, you're just in time.
Mort's one ball away from a perfect game.

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Oh, God. The pressure's too much.

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I just lost control of my bladder.

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Why didn't I clothespin the end
of my penis like Muriel told me to?

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Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game.

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I just never stopped believing.
Say no to acid.

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Jeez, relax, Mort.
You'd think you were God himself.

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No, he's over there.

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Hey, you want to see what I can do?
All right, ready? Check it out.

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Beer, glass. All right, now watch this.

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Oh, hey.
Guess I'll go over here for a minute.

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Oh, holy crap!

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That's still pouring itself. Oh, wow.
That's amazing.

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I've never seen anyone do that.
You want to go out later?

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I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle.

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Okay, everybody ready?
Hey, where's Quagmire?

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[Sighs]

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[Quagmire grunting]

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[Quagmire grunting]

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[Quagmire groaning]

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QUAGMIRE: Would you just sit down
and go to the bathroom already?

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A scandal at
the Quahog Bowling Alley tonight...

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where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...

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was charged with peeping
in the ladies'room.

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Coming up, Diane's weight.

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He's all yours, Joe.

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You're lucky I've got some extra pull
around here...

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thanks to my 18 medals for heroism.

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There he goes again with the medals.

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Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much,
why don't you marry them?

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I did something like that once.

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And in the event of your death...

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you'd like the insurance policy
to be paid to your wife?

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Yup.

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And your wife is this piece of pie?

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You got it. Love you.

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Okay, sign here.

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You know what? You can probably
go ahead and cancel that.

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Well, well, look who's here.

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All right, all right,
look, I know an apology is due here...

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so, Lois, tell Quagmire
you're sorry you had him arrested.

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Excuse me?
He's the one who owes me an apology.

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He was watching me go to the bathroom.

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Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive,
Lois. It's a positive thing.

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Thank you, Glenn,
for complimenting our family.

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We have had it
with his disrespect for women.

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We're petitioning the city to have him
removed from the neighborhood.

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Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby
into the world with him running around.

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First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant
for six years, all right?

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Either have the baby or don't.

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Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy.
He's just a little mixed up.

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[Car tires screeching]

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[Train horn blaring]

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- This isn't medium rare.
- Then have them take it back.

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[Peter panting]

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Sorry about that.

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Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy,
you know? He's just a little mixed up.

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That's all. Come on.
Give him another chance, eh?

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All right. But one more incident
like the one at the bowling alley...

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and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.

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Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire.

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Your pals are gonna
help you change your ways.

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I don't know, Peter.
I'm not sure I can do this.

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QUAGMIRE: Meg, get out of the way.

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All right, Glenn. This exercise
should help teach you self-control.

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Here's this month's
Victoria 's Secret catalog.

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Oh, God. Oh, God.
Dead kittens. Dead kittens.

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Old nuns. Really old nuns.

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Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go.

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- All right.
- You did good. Good.

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Peter, are you sure
Quagmire is ready to be out in public?

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Nothing to worry about, Lois.

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We figured out
a foolproof rehabilitation method.

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I got the idea from when Brian
had to wear that cone after his operation.

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Okay, if I make this,
we're all gonna get laid.

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Yes! Score! Score!

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BRIAN: Boy, I'd really like to
chew on my crotch right now.

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Okay, Quagmire.
Time to take off your training wheels.

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Okay, I think I'm ready.

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[AII chattering]

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Oh, boy.

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- What's the matter, Glenn?
- Nothing.

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Oh, Stacie, you dropped
your pompom in the water.

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- I'll get it for you.
- I'll come with you.

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- Me, too.
- But wait a minute.

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We don't want to get our sweaters all wet.
Better take them off.

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Splash fight!

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[AII laughing]

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Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air.

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Naked plastic chicks.

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[Screams]

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- Where am I? Am I dead?
- No.

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This is where we monitor
all the dressing rooms in the mall...

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so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.

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You don't say.

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Oh, my God!
That one's having a heart attack!

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[Woman coughing]

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- That was amazing.
- You saved her life.

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Thank God you know CPR.

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What the hell's CPR?

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Congratulations, Quagmire.

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You're the newest member
of my wall of fame.

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What's wrong, Peter?

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It's nothing, Joe. I don't know.

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It's just that all you guys
have something to be proud of.

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PETER: Quagmire got a key to the city.
Mort bowled a perfect game.

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You're always getting medals
for catching crooks.

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Hell, even Cleveland
used to be an accomplished auctioneer.

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I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130,000
for this authentic Comanche headdress?

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I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear...

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135, going once.

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I'm the only one here
who's got nothing, you know?

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If I die tomorrow, there's nothing
people would remember me for.

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Not if you jumped off a skyscraper
and landed on Joan Cusack.

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People would say, "Hey, remember
that guy who landed on Joan Cusack?"

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Well, things are gonna change.

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From this day forth, people are gonna
know the name Peter Griffin...

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even if I have to shout it
from the rooftops.

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You hear that, world?

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I am gonna do something
that people will remember me for.

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[Thudding]

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Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack.

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Hello?

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Oh-oh.

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Peter, if you'd just let me talk, I'll explain
to you why you shouldn't do this.

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Later, Brian. I gotta do something
people will remember me for...

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which is why I've invented
a new type of flying machine.

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You know, I vaguely recall
seeing footage somewhere...

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of something exactly like this that leads
me to believe this probably won't work.

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All right, Stewie. Let her rip.

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All right...

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we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn,
assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.

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Brian, this time, I think I got just the thing
people will remember me for.

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I am gonna stop pollution
with my new lovable character...

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Gary the No-Trash Cougar.

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Pick up your trash!
I want to know whose cup this is.

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I said I want to know whose cup this is!

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Pick it up!

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Thank you, sweetie.

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See what a nicer place this is
when we all pitch in?

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Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says:

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"Give a larbage, throw out your garbage."

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Spread the word.

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Those freaking elves, man.
They just came out of the trees, man.

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- They just came out of the trees.
- You saved my ass back there.

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You saved mine.

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- Here's to Snap.
- To Snap.

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This sucks.

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I've been working on this all week
and I keep coming up dry.

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Who am I kidding? I'm never gonna
be remembered for anything.

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Not like my great-great-uncles,
the Siamese twins...

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who fought each other in the Civil War.

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- I'm seceding.
- Like hell you are.

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Not too smart, huh?

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Yeah, did not think that one through.

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Peter, you have to stop
comparing yourself to other people...

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and find out what's special about you.

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00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:36,415
In sadder news, the man
who held the Guinness World Record...

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for most drugs ever done
by a single human being died today.

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He was attacked by a pack of wild dogs
he thought he saw.

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There you go, Peter.
You could break a world record.

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What, are you nuts?
I got no special talents.

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What can I do that nobody else does?

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Well, you just ate my tip.

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I got it!

189
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Peter, you're really putting away
those Mentos.

190
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:07,546
These aren't Mentos, Lois.

191
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Everybody, you're looking at a guy
who's gonna set a new world record.

192
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I am gonna eat more nickels
than anyone has ever eaten before.

193
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,724
Setting this world record
is gonna make me famous...

194
00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:21,299
just like the world's fattest twins
over there.

195
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:25,400
- Did I tell you that I'm doing Atkins?
- Oh, that's not good for you.

196
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,537
[Coins jingling]

197
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:33,609
- Dad, I just don't hear it.
- Come on!

198
00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:35,009
Really, Peter. It just doesn't...

199
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,412
You're telling me that doesn't sound
like Camptown Races?

200
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:38,744
Not one bit.

201
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Do Short People!

202
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,680
This is the worst use of money
since I tricked out my big wheel.

203
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:56,657
Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah.

204
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,533
I'm off to make trouble
for the establishment.

205
00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:04,705
PETER: I love you, Lois.

206
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:08,906
LOIS: I love you, too, Peter.
Even if you are full of nickels.

207
00:14:09,481 --> 00:14:11,881
[Coins jingling rhythmically]

208
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,551
[Jingling intensifies]

209
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:24,223
PETER: Goodnight, honey.

210
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,223
[Alarm beeping]

211
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:36,397
Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.

212
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,241
DOCTOR: How about now?
PETER: No, nothing.

213
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,042
DOCTOR: Well, that makes me feel
much better.

214
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:44,740
You can't see the spaceship, either.

215
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:47,375
My cousin Marshall insists
if you look past the picture...

216
00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:48,680
you can see a spaceship.

217
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:50,880
Can you please just tell us
what's wrong with my husband?

218
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:54,721
Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting
such a large number of metal coins...

219
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:57,489
Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed
to nickel poisoning...

220
00:14:57,596 --> 00:14:58,893
causing him to lose his sight.

221
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,990
Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat.
I can't see a damn thing.

222
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You know what else you can't see?
The writing on the wall.

223
00:15:04,503 --> 00:15:06,937
Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box
they're gonna bury it in.

224
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:09,405
Back then, everybody had a specialty.
I, for one, am a tumbler.

225
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:11,408
Watch me leap through this big hoop.

226
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:13,269
Vamp! Vamp!

227
00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:16,545
[Playing fast-paced piano music]

228
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:25,018
So we're all gonna have to pitch in
and help your father out...

229
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:26,557
now that he's lost his sight.

230
00:15:26,692 --> 00:15:29,058
Nobody took care of me
when I lost my arms and legs...

231
00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:30,594
and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb.

232
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,425
Hey, Meg,
they got a Happy Days spoof in here...

233
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:36,262
but they call it Crappy Days.

234
00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:40,296
All right, you know what?

235
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:42,897
If you're not gonna laugh,
then I'm not gonna keep you company.

236
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:46,808
This sucks. Now the only thing anybody's
gonna remember me for after I die...

237
00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:48,743
is being that blind guy.

238
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:50,041
Don't give up yet, Peter.

239
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:52,709
I mean,
many blind people live rich, fulfilling lives.

240
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:56,219
I don't know, Brian.
I mean, I guess I can give it a shot.

241
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:01,456
Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it.
I almost didn't do it.

242
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,152
I thought, "Is this in bad taste?"

243
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,752
But you know what? I went for it.

244
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:06,854
I went for it and I am so glad I did.

245
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,762
Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.

246
00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:25,415
- Hey, you still awake, Lois, honey?
- Dad?

247
00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:27,781
That's right. I'm your daddy.

248
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,651
Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk.

249
00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:34,089
Just let me do all the work. Yeah.

250
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:37,319
Now feel my warm breath
on the nape of your neck.

251
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:42,466
My hands on your big soft boobs
running down your big manlike...

252
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,058
Holy crap, it's Chris.

253
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:47,839
So, how're you doing?

254
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,641
You do all your homework?
Finish all your subjects?

255
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,076
- Yes, sir.
- Good.

256
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,444
Just checking. Have a good night, Son.

257
00:16:59,118 --> 00:17:01,552
PETER: You still awake, honey?
STEWIE: What the deuce?

258
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:10,190
- Peter, what the hell is that?
- This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus.

259
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:11,785
What do you need a Seeing Eye dog for?

260
00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:15,196
Well, because I can't do anything
for myself, Brian. I can't drive.

261
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,790
I don't know when to cross the street.

262
00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:18,699
And I took a dump
in the church confessional...

263
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:20,999
which I guess they frown upon
if you're not homeless.

264
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:23,472
I thought I could deal with being blind
at first.

265
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:24,667
But I don't know.

266
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:27,712
I haven't felt this out of place
since that week I lived with Superman.

267
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:34,275
We must stop Lex Luthor before
he irradiates the world's supply of gold.

268
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:37,878
Hi, sorry.
I know you got a meeting going on. But...

269
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:42,926
So we are officially running low
on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its.

270
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,519
So just putting it out there.

271
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:48,065
If you're heading to the store later...

272
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:52,365
you know, 800-mile drive for me,
like, five seconds for you.

273
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:53,802
Whatever. I'm not here.

274
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,999
Peter, this is something
you're still adjusting to.

275
00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:57,871
You can't expect
to get used to it overnight.

276
00:17:57,976 --> 00:18:00,206
Whatever you say, Brian.
I'm going to The Clam.

277
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,279
Did Peter leave?

278
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,646
Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this.

279
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:08,548
I know. I'm so worried about him.

280
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,589
I've been looking into support groups
we could join to help him.

281
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,151
- Are you not wearing makeup?
- No, I just...

282
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,818
You know, since Peter went blind...

283
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,421
it's actually been kind of nice not to
have to worry about my appearance.

284
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:21,794
I see.

285
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:23,828
Is it really noticeable?

286
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:27,298
Well, a little mascara wouldn't kill you.

287
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:30,339
I was kind of thinking I'd try
an au naturel thing.

288
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,335
You think you have the skin for that?

289
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:40,209
Oh, let me light that for you, babe.

290
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:44,188
- Wow!
- Yeah, magic fingers.

291
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,158
- Jesus Christ!
- What?

292
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:49,955
Get the Escalade. We're out of here.

293
00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:55,527
[People screaming in terror]

294
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:02,596
[Brutus whimpering]

295
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,608
Come on, girl. I'm thirsty.

296
00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:09,113
All right, you don't want to come in? Fine.
I'll just tie you to this parking meter.

297
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:18,317
Hey, Horace.

298
00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:19,981
I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot.

299
00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:22,891
So how's your hammer hanging?

300
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:24,188
[Peter sniffing]

301
00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:25,920
Is somebody smoking in here?

302
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,458
Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs?

303
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:33,697
Lois had it on the other night
and I was kind of fading in and out.

304
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:38,401
But, you know, I was watching and I'm
wondering, which one is the funny guy?

305
00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:41,109
Peter, grab my hand!

306
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:43,681
- Jeez, Horace, you been drinking?
- Grab it and pull!

307
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:47,351
Come on, let's go.

308
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:52,524
And here comes the heroic blind man.

309
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:55,593
Tell us, sir, how did you summon
the courage to save your friend...

310
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:58,458
- from that burning building?
- That freaking place was on fire?

311
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:01,692
And there you have it.
Coming up next, watch me shave.

312
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,261
Peter, you're all right!

313
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,134
I am so proud of you
for saving Horace's life.

314
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,798
Yeah, Peter, you were amazing.

315
00:20:10,576 --> 00:20:14,205
You know, Brian, I guess I was.
And you know what else?

316
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,609
People are gonna remember me for this.

317
00:20:22,487 --> 00:20:25,217
[Star Wars theme music]

318
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,956
[Tweeting]

319
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:02,524
[Laughing]

320
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:07,589
[Roaring]